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Are you a Sydneysider determined to prove your home town is superior? Are you holding a grudge against the city that invented AFL? Or are you simply in a bad mood? Whatever your motivation, you’ll be pleased to find this foolproof guide on how to be utterly miserable in the world’s most liveable city. 

Step 1: Avoid the great food 

It’s no secret Melbourne is serious about food. From perfectly brewed coffees to award-winning plates created by the best names in the business, the city’s food scene leaves no stone unturned. So, really, what better time to fast and avoid food altogether? Ditch dinner at Vue de Monde in favour of a trip to one of the city’s water bubblers, simply smell the world’s best pizza at 400 Gradi and say no to the warm, buttery croissants at Lune. See? Misery comes easy. 

Step 2: Go to bed at sunset 

Since you’re fasting, why not also preclude yourself from Melbourne’s famous nightlife by calling it a day at 6pm. Amazing small bars? Pumping live music? World class theatre and cutting-edge festivals? No siree: quality time with your pillow is where it’s at. 

Step 3: Stay in the ‘burbs 

An excellent way to avoid Melbourne’s bustling laneways, beautiful boutiques and outstanding sporting and cultural venues is to base yourself in the sticks, a long way from the inner suburbs. This means you’ll spend a fortune on Ubers or way too much time on public transport.  

Step 4: Plan only outdoor activities 

Melbourne’s weather isn’t known for its reliability (hence why so many excellent indoor venues are popping up on every corner). Ignoring this fact is a great way to maintain your misery. Plan a day of wandering along the Yarra, picnicking in the Royal Botanic Gardens and making the most of St Kilda’s Sea Baths. Have no Plan B and remember to feel cheated every time the clouds roll in or the air becomes even slightly chilly. You’re welcome. 

But … 

If you don’t want to be miserable, check into one of TFE’s stylish hotels and discover why Melbourne is constantly voted one of the world’s most liveable cities. Make yourself at home in an Adina Apartment Hotel, stay in the heart of the action at Southbank or Flinders Street, enjoy the old-world elegance of The Savoy Hotel on Little Collins, or feast on eclectic south-east Asian food at Salted Egg. If you want to head for the ‘burbs, check into the new and unique Adina Apartment Hotel Pentridge Melbourne with its superb dining and wine experiences and fascinating history. There’s really no excuse for being miserable.