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How to be Miserable in Melbourne

Are you a Sydneysider determined to prove your home town is superior? Are you holding a strong grudge against the city that invented AFL? Or are you simply in a bad mood and determined to sulk? Whatever your motivation, you’ll be pleased to find this foolproof guide on how to be utterly miserable in the world’s most liveable city.

Step 1: Fast

It’s no secret Melbourne is serious about food. From perfectly brewed coffees to award winning plates created by the best names in the business, the city’s food scene leaves no stone unturned. So, really, what better time to fast and avoid food altogether? Ditch dinner at Vue Du Monde in favour of a trip to one of the city’s water bubblers, simply smell the world’s best pizza at 400 Gradi and say no to the warm, buttery croissants at Noisette. See? Misery comes easy.


Step 2: Go to bed at sunset

Since you’re fasting, why not also preclude yourself from Melbourne’s famous nightlife by calling it a day at 6pm. Amazing small bars? Pumping live music? World class theatre and cutting-edge festivals? No siree: quality time with your pillow is where it’s at.


Step 3: Stay out in the ‘burbs

An excellent way to avoid the bustling laneways, beautiful boutiques and outstanding sporting and cultural venues Melbourne’s famous for is to base yourself outside of the city’s inner suburbs. This means you’ll spend a fortune on Ubers or way too much time on public transport; either outcome a sure fire way to taint your experience of the city. Whatever you do, definitely don’t stay at Travelodge Southbank or Travelodge Docklands where simply stepping outside the front door of either hotel will put you smack bang in the middle of the action.


Step 4: Plan only outdoor activities

Melbourne’s weather isn’t known for its reliability (something which is more than made up for by all the excellent indoor venues popping up on every corner) which means ignoring this fact is an exceptional way to maintain your misery. Plan a day of wandering along the Yarra, picnicking in the Royal Botanic Gardens and making the most of St Kilda’s Sea Baths. Have no Plan B and remember to feel cheated every time the clouds roll in or the air becomes even slightly chilly. You’re welcome.

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