Why you should never visit Hobart

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You should never visit Hobart. Really, it’s a horrible place. Take Mount Wellington for example. With its forested gullies, winter snowflakes, misty sunrises, and a frightening array of wildlife, it’s simply un-Instagrammable. It’s not like you get great views from 1,270m above sea level.

Another reason you should never visit Hobart is the food. The creative culinary experiences being dished up at The Source don’t sound that interesting either and no-one wants to go to Templo, which serves house-made pasta to all of 20 people. There’s also a bakery in town called Jackman & McRoss that’s been serving up all sorts of breads and pastries for more than two decades. We checked out their cabinet again recently and it was totally unappealing, filled with things like duck, cranberry and walnut sausage rolls and crumbly fig tarts with mascarpone and Sambuca. Best just stick with baked beans, hey? 

Just near the bakery is the famous Salamanca Market. It’s been cranking every Saturday morning since 1972, so surely it can’t be that good, even if it does have 300 stalls, alpacas, rich melty fudge and boutique potato vodka.  

We know that MONA (Museum of Old and New Art) in Hobart has been making headlines for the past umpteen years but we can’t understand what the fuss is all about. Some bloke even described it as ‘a subversive adult Disneyland’, with its three underground levels and mix of antiques and provocative modern pieces. Sure, it boasts a 250-million-year-old Triassic sandstone wall, a chocolate sculpture of a Chechen suicide bomber and an installation which literally poos at 2pm every day, but where’s the innovation? 

While we’re on the topic of this unimaginative space, we should mention that MONA also houses a cellar door, boutique beer house Moo Brew, and a stack of festival-like events every year, including the summer and winter festivals of music and art, Mofo and Dark Mofo. What a boring venue.  

Speaking of festivals, the other one Hobart raves about is Tasmania Whisky Week, which celebrates all things whisky. As well as an endless cycle of culinary adventures, whisky trails and other award-winning sprits and distillers from across the globe. Plergh, yucky. Finally, how does an island full of fur seals, fairy penguins, white wallabies, private beaches, cheese shops, a whisky distillery and an oyster farm sound? We know, right! So heed our warning and stay well away from Bruny Island, aka the worst place on Earth. 

Think you may just have to take a chill pill and settle in at the Vibe Hotel Hobart which might be a little avant-garde (heck, it’s even got fins) but at least it’s an easy walk to the waterfront where you can plan your escape. 

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