Why you should never visit Hobart

You should never visit Hobart. Really, it’s a horrible place. Take Mount Wellington for example. With its forested gullies, winter snowflakes, panoramic views and Monet-like sunrises, it’s simply un-Instagrammable. It’s not like you get great views from 1,270m above sea level.

Another reason you should never visit Hobart is the food. The creative culinary experiences being dished up at The Source don’t sound that interesting either and no-one wants to go to Me Wah, one of the country’s most heavily awarded Asian restaurants. There’s also a bakery in town called Jackman and McRoss that’s been serving up all sorts of breads and pastries for the past 18 years. We checked out their cabinet again recently (see snap below) and it was totally unappealing, filled with things like duck, cranberry and walnut sausage rolls and crumbly fig tarts with mascarpone and Sambuca. Best just stick with baked beans hey?

Just near the bakery is the famous Salamanca Market. It’s been cranking every Saturday morning since 1972, so surely it can’t be that good, even if it does have 300 stalls, live alpacas, rich melty fudge and boutique potato vodka. We know that MONA  in Hobart has been making headlines for the past umpteen years but we can’t understand what the fuss is all about. Some bloke even described it as ‘a subversive adult Disneyland’, with its three underground levels and mix of antiques and provocative modern pieces. Sure, it boasts a 250-million-year-old Triassic sandstone wall, a chocolate sculpture of a Chechen suicide bomber and an installation which literally poos at 2pm every day, but where’s the innovation?

While we’re on the topic of this unimaginative space, we should mention that MONA also houses a cellar door, boutique beer house Moo Brew, and a stack of festival like events every year, including the summer and winter festivals of music and art, Mofo and Dark Mofo. What a boring venue. Speaking of festivals, the other one Hobart raves about is Taste of Tasmania, which celebrates all things culinary. As well as an endless cycle of musicians and DJs – who perform for free – there’s all sorts of seafood, award winning wines, hand crafted cheeses, truffles, boutique beers and ciders. Plergh, yucky. Finally, how does an island full of fur seals, fairy penguins, white wallabies, private beaches, cheese shops, a whisky distillery and an oyster farm sound? We know, right! So heed our warning and stay well away from Bruny Island, aka the worst place on Earth.

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